I'm not a counselor.
Generic Advice About Sex in Marriage Problems
I wish you & your husband/wife the best of luck. You didn't provide very many details about your faults, in your discussions about him/her or your relationship to Jesus Christ. No one is ever innocent of blame. Even if you are not socially, mentally or emotionally developed & you can't help-stressing out your relationships-it's still partially your fault. The same goes for her. Nothing good can come of quitting too soon, blaming & rejecting. Try God's approach. He loved us when we were still sinners [Romans 5:8]. Only a counselor, if you tell them, will know all the details of your marriage.
1. Get a Pastoral
professional counselor or an outside professional Christian counselor.
2. Become accountable for all your actions, no matter how innocent, how minor or how neutral they seem compared to his/her horrible faults, failures & foolishness. Admit you are also at fault.
3. Eliminate all your unloving behaviors & attitudes, at least try to.
4. Let God criticize & work on him/her.
5. Gain wisdom by listening to, but not talking to God for 20 minutes in the morning & evening for as many weeks or years as it takes.
6. Pray, but first confess your sins & forgive all sins committed against you.
7. Thank God for all His blessings & name them in minute detail.
8. Ask God to bless & forgive your family, spouse & you.
9. It is normal for healthy adults who live with the opposite sex to want sex.
10. It is abnormal for unhealthy, often sexually scorned, disrespected, & unloved spouses to desire sex with their spouse.
11. If you really want to know what’s wrong with your spouse find out what’s wrong with you & approach your spouse admitting you are wrong in some way.
12. If your spouse is addicted to pornography, in love with someone else, not in love with you, is a homosexual/lesbian, has a disease, medication/hormones causes impotence/fridgitity, is frustrated emotionally, wants intimacy or respect first, etc.--first record all the issues, weigh their relative importance & then seek help.
13. Do you want a satanic marriage based on your rights, your will & your demands? If so, then that’s your problem.
14. If you want a Christian marriage, but your spouse is not one, then love them as Christ loved God & the whole world. If, you’re lucky they will become Christians & if not maybe mercifully divorce you.
15. If you are willing to slave, sacrifice & accommodate your boss/teacher/friends/parents/associations/church/children/pets then you must also do it for your spouse.
16. It is normal for the sex drive to diminish after the second or third year of marriage.
MORE ADVICE
General Advice About Sex in Marriage
http://EmotionalMentalMindHealth.YolaSite.com
I was married & was forced into a divorce I didn't want. I should have done more to win her over, because not living with my children was devastating to me & also sad for them. Once the marriage is over, it can be resurrected, but once the divorce takes place it’s really over. God hates divorce & so do many children & Christians. No matter what you have, do, and how much you communicate, it's a struggle to stay married...at least for the first five years. Money & sex are the most obvious causes of divorce. Freedom is the not so obvious cause of divorce. If we complain too much about our spouses we may appear to want a divorce.
In Chinese, Muslim & Hindu countries in the 1950’s & 60’s divorce was unheard of. Why? Marriage was for the benefit of society & not the man or woman. Man was in charge & a woman couldn’t get a divorce. Most men didn’t want a divorce. Marriage wasn’t designed as an addition to our perfect life or a tool to increase our joy even further.Think about it.
If you are a full Christian, you’ve died to your needs, rights & desires.
Most he-said/she-said problems can be solved through our obedience to God, hard work, forgiveness & thankfulness. A Christian is alive, arisen in baptism to a new life, to obey God’s commands, desires, & His still small voice. Marriage was not designed to satisfy all lusts, needs for security, sexual desires, & all the needs we can’t meet for ourselves…ask any husband or wife. That is a middle class concept that develops through the success & the accumulation of money. Money creates power, power pride and then comes the fall. Remember the rich man, the camel & the eye of the needle? It’s impossible for him or her to be saved unless God intervenes. A middle class person in India, China or America is insanely rich, compared to most of the world. So the camel & needle analogy applies to the middle class. Lower your demands.
Hopefully then, after you decide to obey God, appreciate the gift of your spouse, you will decide to accept the limitations & rejoice in the advantages of your spouse & children (adopted & foster included). If you don't have children, for whatever reason, that requires slightly different strategies. Sex, intimacy & friendship are more important if you don't have children. Some people do better with & some without children.
I've read quite a bit in the secular world about sex, romance, ancient romance, the Bible, psychology, etc. I know that once a woman decides, makes up her mind through logic-entangled –with- emotions which is the way 80% of women function [20% of men], that's it!! Divorce is imminent!! There are many reasons for a woman divorcing a man that a man would never understand & would think they are minor & insignificant. Wake up! Men might want to divorce if they find someone that really admires them or the wife has shut down emotionally & sexually. If anyone wants to save his/her marriage, they can, but they have to change their views on their rights, needs & understand his/her problems. You have to know how to invite, respect, stimulate him/her, stop turning his/her natural desires off, send clear messages, speak about what stimulates him/her, etc. Ask pertinent questions. Lowering expectations & thanking someone for what little they can accomplish & do usually results in more & more efforts, confidence & accomplishments towards you (shaping behavior through behavior modification).
If that doesn't work get Pastoral professional counseling or an outside professional Christian counselor. Go by yourself & send him by himself until the therapist brings both of you in together.
Ok? Now, for my general theories about American marriage problems (I'm also a blessed Christian who by chance is an American).
IF PASTOR & PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING WASN'T AN OPTION
OR DIDN'T WORK
More General Advice:
Ø Put God first in your life, church & the Kingdom of God next.
Ø Put Marriage second, if married.
Ø Put your spouse third.
Ø Put children fourth.
Ø Put God in the middle.
Ø Put extended family next.
Ø Education, employment, social skills.
Ø Exception: There is no set order to anything at all times.
Ø Self is next to last
Ø Put God last (God is alpha & omega)
Marriage is as difficult as climbing Mount Everest, getting a raise at work, getting straight A's at school, increasing the power & gas mileage in you motor vehicle, winning in Traffic Court, balancing the budget & controlling your temper & tongue. It will be more fun if you take it as a challenge rather than a pain in the neck.
END.
